I WAS LOOKING FOR REST

I met him in India. I was traveling. I had been traveling for about four years. I was following my footsteps and just hoping that they would lead me where I wanted to go. I had no plan. I just wanted to find something that would make me happy, something that would make the feeling of restlessness stop. I was getting very tired, I was getting very discouraged, and I was feeling that this perpetual movement which was driving me would never end. The only thing that I was looking for was rest.

So I went to Rajasthan and I lived in a cave in Mount Abu for a while. I was trying to meditate on my own, I was trying to realize the mysteries of nature on my own by living in nature. I would be by myself completely, and in the beauty of this forest I would trip out on nature.

But nature is not God. God is reflected in these things. But it isn't enough.

So I used to go visit a swami who lived a couple of miles into the forest. He had his own temple and one day he said to me, "Joan, you're not going to find what you're looking for here. If you want to find your yoga, you should go to Dehra Dun."

"Yoga" means union. That's all it means; union, uniting your mind with the spirit.

So, I said, "What do you mean, I'll find my yoga in Dehra Dun?" He said, "I don't know, but if you want to find what you're looking for, go to Dehra Dun."

p59 (44K) I remembered that in Afghanistan, when I was coming to India, I had met two English people who were going back to England. They told me at that time about a twelve-year-old boy they had met who had revealed to them the Word of God and showed them the Divine Light. They said they had stayed with him and he was so wonderful. They showed me pictures. Because of their loving way of talking - not really because I understood what they were talking about - I took down his name and the address, which was Dehra Dun.

So I remembered that, in association. Nonetheless I went back to my cave and became seriously ill for ten days. I was flat out on my hack. I couldn't move until the forest people came and got me. They put me on a bus and I went to Delhi. So I got out of Mount Abu very nicely and I went to the hospital in Delhi for three days. Everything was fine. I came out.

I then met an acquaintance on the

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street and he said, "I'm going back to Afghanistan. Do you want to come?" I remember very distinctly saying, "No, no, I ought to go to Dehra Dun. There's something there for me."

Again I started going north to head for Dehra Dun, but in the meantime hit the Almora district which is full of ancient temples: a very nice, ritualistic, beautiful scene that you can easily get into because it's so lovely.

And I got into it. What I started doing was walking through these forest paths from one little temple to another, and at this time everything culminated for me. I started weeping, singing, dancing, going barefoot through these forests, and people took me in like another madwoman sadhu, which means "God seeker." They fed me and I started going on, north, more north, more north, more north. I'd meet masters, I'd find ashrams, I'd meet holy men, I'd do this, I'd do that. I even began to think that all these holy men were just exactly like me, that there really was no "holy man." We were all just smoking chillums and getting high and thinking that we had found the way,

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but none of us were satisfied. I'd find beautiful people, beautiful, high people, and I'd stay with them for a while. They'd teach me what they had to teach me.

And then I'd look at them one day: "What's happening now?" And they'd say either, "I've given you all that I can give you. Now go out and find the True Master," which happened many times, or they'd say, "I've given you all there is to know. There is no higher thing." I would say, "Well, that's fine, man, but I'm not happy, I'm not satisfied. This feeling of movement is still going on with me. It's still driving me." So I started driving myself crazy, thinking that I was all alone. I got attached to my suffering.

In this way I kept going and going, weeping and weeping. I saw where I was going. I saw my eyes. I knew I was going crazy. But I accepted it this time, rather than rejecting it as I had in the past.

Then I got to Bageshwar, which was as far north as I could get and as far as I could go in my mental state. I stayed in a temple. I waited.

Then this sadhu came. He was young. He was limping and carrying a big tin suitcase. He had a wonderful, wonderful expression in his eyes. It rained that night so he had to come into the main room where I was staying and he looked at me.

He saw my trip. He saw the Bible, he saw my candles, the incense, the little objects and the way I was living. He said something about God and I began pouring out all the longing of my heart, all the pain I had experienced about not getting, not finding, not finding,

Then he quietly opened up this big suitcase of his and he took out a little picture of a young boy, and he said, "Joan, if you want practical Knowledge of God, you better go to Dehra Dun."

And I flipped! What could I say? I got on a bus for the first time in many months. And I flew there as if on wings.

And that's when I first met Guru Maharaj Ji. He took one look at me and said, "What do you want?" And I burst into tears. And he said, "Okay, you can go upstairs." So I did.

First he had to cure my mind, which he did. It took him a month and a half to get my mind hack to a point where could see clearly because all I saw was darkness. All I saw was evil. He used to tell me, "Stop torturing yourself. See the good." I'd say, "That's beautiful to say, Guru Maharaj Ji, but I can't. You have to help me."

And that's what he did first. He helped me with my mind to get ready for this Knowledge. He said, "If you want food, we'll give you food, if you want shelter, we'll give you shelter. If you want security, we'll give you security. And if you want practical realization of God, we'll give you that. But everything at its right time and its proper place."

And I wasn't ready. So I had to wait a month and a half, and then I received his Knowledge. Since that time I haven't left him because he's given me everything. He's given me everything. He's given me my life. J.A.

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