The following is a letter received at National from Kim Field, of One Foundation, written after the Festival of Love program held in Wembley, London on the 3rd, 4th and 5th March, 1978.
Jai Sat Chit Anand.
Well I've been meaning to write for the past few days but it just feels like the pace hasn't stopped since we stepped off the plane in London. The day after we arrived, the festival began and one day after the festival, the conference began and since the conference we've been going to satsang every day and every night. There's so much I could say about what happened on every level but the best thing I can do is just describe my own experience of it all and hope you can read between the lines.
The vibe of the London program was a bit different to the other festivals that I've experienced. Maharaj Ji called it the "Festival of Love" and I'm sure just about every premie experienced it as just that. The whole feeling over the three days was incredibly mellow and relaxed - even the security guys were incredibly relaxed and lenient. The main message coming through all the initiators' satsang was that Maharaj Ji wanted 100% dedication from the inside, regardless of our situations - just to really trust and allow Maharaj Ji to completely take over and guide us in our lives. There were about 20 - 25 initiators there and what really blew me out was how each initiator expressed themselves in such a wide variety of ways.
I remember Durga Ji saying in Rome how Maharaj Ji has made us just the way he wants us and that we shouldn't try and be like anyone else - that our innermost connection inside was the only important thing. Each initiator that gave satsang seemed to be coming from such an honest point of personal experience - some were funny, some were shy,
some were very direct, some were poetic, some were full of stories and some were just quiet and simple - but each one of course had the same essential and eternal message, and after three days, I'm sure, that every way of describing the beauty of Maharaj Ji's love had been expressed.
Then of course, most importantly, there was Maharaj Ji himself - and here is where words begin to fail me. The darshan line, this time for me, was different again. Instead of feeling a bit shy or hesitant, I felt like running through the darshan line, like running into the arms of my dearest lover and friend. And man, when I got to his feet, that's exactly how he was - he was smiling and exuding love from every part of his body - so gentle, so warm and he seemed to be looking at each premie as if he'd been waiting to see them for a million lifetimes - so pleased and sooooooo in Love.
The second night, after darshan, we were playing on stage and then suddenly in the middle of this really up-tempo song of Joe's, all the amps started to go off and everyone in the band was looking around and frowning at the very confused looking sound men. We all kept playing, hoping it would right itself, then the amps came on again and then went off again. By that stage we were almost feeling agitated -thinking, "When are they ever going to get these festivals together?"
Next minute Joe looked down behind his amp where there was a curtain behind which all Maharaj Ji's entourage would sit and watch Maharaj Ji underneath a covered-in dome. From behind the curtain Joe saw this small golden hand with a big watch on it turning the switches to the amps on and off and of course it was you-know-who up to a few tricks. Next minute Maharaj Ji's face appeared saying: "Sounds funny with the bass going on and off, doesn't it?" and he was laughing and yelling out to us while we were playing. Then he threw a banana on to the stage saying or yelling: "There's a banana for you guys." And Durga Ji popped her head out laughing with Hansi and they all seemed so light and so happy and we, of course, by that stage were just five blobs of jelly.
And would you believe it - he did the same thing the next night, and threw an apple onto the stage. The funny thing was that no-one else could see what was happening so it just must have looked like we were just laughing and spacing out all the songs.
As Maharaj Ji said, there is no reason for his love. And in the band we just really felt that. He was just loving us and loving us regardless of our minds and our stupidity-he just doesn't care about all that - he just wants us to really realise that he really, really does love us in every way. And even when things seem to be going wrong -like when the amps went off - if we are just trying to be sincere, then it's probably just Maharaj Ji's hand in our lives, just playing with us and teasing us, just to put us off balance to show us that he is always there to catch us when we fall. And aren't we just tripping over all the time and hasn't he always been there to pick us up and care for us and love us and make us smile. Always!
On the last night his satsang was so powerful that it made my knees shake at one point. He is the Lord for sure, I have no question about that anymore. He was yelling at us at one point, saying: "You are only specks of dust and I am Guru Maharaj Ji. And you are always closing the door on me and I never, ever close the door on you. Because if Guru Maharaj Ji ever closed the door on you - the mere movement of the door starting to close would just completely devastate you beyond comprehension." Those aren't the exact words but that's the essence of what he said. No doubt you will hear the tape.
At that point there was just complete silence and we all had a small glimpse of that incredible fathomless power that Maharaj Ji is. After that he actually pulled himself back, saying that he didn't want to be too heavy with us, and within minutes he changed from our most powerful Lord to our most gentle and compassionate Lord.
He is everything. He seems more urgent that ever that we understand and let go into his Grace. He so much wants to reach out to this crazy world and we are so graced that he wants to use us to help him even though I know he could do it, and actually probably is almost doing it, regardless of us and our limitations.
The three-day conference was, needless to say, quite intense for me with 12-hours of satsang every day. I usually start getting restless after a couple of hours. But it has had such a deep effect on me - I never felt so motivated to just let my crazy ideas and concepts just get drowned in the Truth. I've never really experienced such an essential need for satsang before. The day after the conference had finished I couldn't help feeling a bit lost without that consistent satsang to go to.
Holy Name has been so strong for me the last few days. It really feels like being in a safe little (or is it big?) boat just floating above all the problems of the world, but so hungry all the time for that satsang and service to just keep the safety belt on, knowing how easily I can just start rocking that boat with my own lack of trust.
I remember coming over on the plane and somehow I just let this tiny little doubt slip in until it just had me by the throat and I felt like I was just being strangled by logic and reasoning. It only took half an hour of precious satsang to just completely save me again. It made me realise how carefully and consistently we must tend this precious seed of Knowledge. Because even though Maharaj Ji's Grace is the most powerful thing, he has given us the responsibility to take that first step towards him.
And I know for me that if I don't just keep taking that step and keep taking that step every minute of every
day, then that tiny little step just gets bigger and bigger until finally Maharaj Ji himself has to come and pick me up and carry me across this desert of illusion that my mind creates. I feel so much especially from seeing Maharaj Ji this time, that he's just begging all of us to please just stand on our own two feet and walk ourselves. And help each other and do so much more surrendering than we ever have before - because what's really amazing is that we can do it. We can become one with that love. And now he's almost just begging us to try a little more and a little more - that there actually is no alternative, there is no other way, there is no greener field - there is only to go deep, deep inside and discover Maharaj Ji is there, and discover him more and experience him more and realise that in actual reality we are completely dependant on his Grace for our very existence on this tiny, tiny planet.
Anyway, back to the conference - After 3 days of satsang, Maharaj Ji came and I have never seen him so powerful and so golden he seemed so huge, like really being from some other place and again, that love was just emanating so much from him. It seemed to be filling every inch of space in that room and everybody seemed to just become overwhelmed in his presence.
I mean, I'm not trying to exaggerate, because I have been to other conferences where Maharaj Ji seems to almost come down on our level and talk and smile. And after every conference there are usually some questions or queries from premies. But this time after Maharaj Ji's satsang he asked if there were any questions about anything, and everyone was just filled to the brim and overflowing. And again, there was that complete silence where the words stop and the feeling just takes over. And Maharaj Ji just smiled, because he knew what we were experiencing. Of course, he had done it to us, and he just sent his blessings to all the communities and removed his body from the room.
There was such a strong vibe there that we all did pranam to his cushion and two community co-ordinators passed out. Even as I read this, the words sound so clumsy in trying to capture something so mindless, so beyond words, but at the same time it's an experience that is so deeply familiar to all of us.
It almost brings me to tears when I try and say that everything that I always wanted Maharaj Ji to be, that everything he has ever said to us, is for me, happening in a way I never imagined, at a time I didn't expect and with such a force that I can hardly contain it.
Not that I'm blissed out 24 hours a day, because sometimes the Truth isn't so cute to wear, especially when one's ego tends to bulge out in the most unsightly places. But even to be able to recognise that it is Truth, is more than enough for me.
Maharaj Ji has given us direction to stay around until Miami Holi, so no doubt we'll see you there. After that we don't know what's going to happen. I just feel so lucky, but it's nowhere near enough to say that - we're just so graced to have so much darshan and to really be experiencing Maharaj Ji's Love inside.
Maharaj Ji is so beautiful, and I know he loves us more than we imagine.